She knows this to be the case
because she often feels its corners
pressing sharp against the bone
just under her shoulder blades
and across the wings of her hips.
At one time, when she was younger,
she had hoped that it might be a cube,
but the years have worked to dispel
this illusion of space, so that now
she understands: it is a simple plane,
a shape with surface, but no volume—
a window without a building, an eye
without a mind.
Of course, this square
does not appear on x-rays, and often,
weeks may pass when she forgets
that it exists. When she does think
to consider its purpose in her life,
she can say only that it aches with
a single mystery, for whose answer
she has long ago given up the search—
since its question is a word whose name
can never quite be asked. This yearning,
she has concluded, is the only function
of the square, repeated again and again
in each of its four matching angles,
until, with time, she is persuaded
anew that what it frames has no
interest in ever making her happy.
I am mildly feverish today and have already been in all of my classes, Praise God! - I am really, truly loving this "start my day at seven in the lovely morning". It feels so right to be done at noon and then hit the books! (and one tree hill!) Uh oh, here I go.....
I can't believe myself most days... I complained about high school every day - skipping, being "sick", having dad come and get me, excuse after excuse after excuse - and now that I'm out, I just can't live without some sort of high school drama-infested, high energy teenage love soap opera. It makes me tick! In last nights episode, my mind was utterly warped - one of Lucas' old friends (whom he lost touch of due to his basketball career - and of course, the engaging women swooning after him) brought a gun to school and after a long drawn out day of "code reds", "lockdown", and the school swarmed on the outside with the swat team...... Jimmy ends up shooting himself. It was so intense and so emotion-provoking. I had so much to finish for school work by this morning, but I just could not bring myself to press pause. In any case, "One Tree Hill" is becoming a new favorite... It's right up there with Gray's Anatomy and Lost. : ) (but then again, these three shows are the only three I have actively involved myself in.
I used to blog like this, nearly, every day. And I am so sick of the way I have let my writing, music, reading, painting/collaborating items on a canvas, and sewing go. I am losing my creative side to school, and my heart is beckoning that I bring back some of these creative outlets.
Well, in the last month, I have really experienced some incredible things... enough things to make any young and vibrant thing, like myself, tossle and turn and emerge with enough excitement to last years. But before I go on and explain the month of August, let me tell you what I submitted myself into doing for the summer.
I traveled from June 20 to August 8th. I was on a worship team called "Redemption" and we played at family, teen and kids camps, worked at VBS's, played at churches, worked with youth, delivered sermons when needed or when necessary, came up with group activity games, camp counseled, and just played music and with kids all summer long. It was long, demanding, exhausting and slightly overwhelming at times... but at plenty of other times, it was refreshing, warm, necessary, fruitful and fulfilling. I got to visit with girls that were currently dealing with things that I have gone through. I was able to offer my testimony, my battle plans in fighting the sin that sickens me regularly, and my hope in their seeming hopeless situations. I asked and allowed the Lord to use me as "the pen of a ready writer" (as David would say in Psalms), and He most faithfully did. I can't even believe the perfect placement of these conversations; I was intricately placed into each scenario with a purpose, with my own embellishments, and with pain and doubt; but nonetheless, those are the type God tends to do business with. This summer was rough on me and some of the things I was facing emotionally and physically, but I truly learned what it is to abandon myself and my most earnest, dearest desires and dreams. The Lord took Berklee School of Music off of my heart this summer and put Missionary on it. I'm not sure the steps that I am going to have to begin taking to fulfill where God wants me, but He knows how I work and He knows that all the proper doors must be opened and my heart must remain willing, which I have every intent on maintaining.
Towards the end of the summer, I was just finished with Summer Min. I wanted to come back to school, desperately, and fix my room up for this school year... If you were to ask anyone on my team, they would tell you that I had a craving to do that more than anything. I just wanted to organize my sweaters and cardigans into my dressers, hang up my long and lovely dresses, put all my shoes in my door hanging shoe compartments, and put all my books up, from largest to smallest, on my book shelf. So, when I got back, (at 3 in the morning on August 8th), I jumped into my perfect boyfriend's jeep (he had been there for about an hour waiting on our arrival), and I merely attacked him. I threw my arms and my legs around him and just started kissing him. In his jeep. I was surprised that I didn't bump the horn on the steering wheel, but in any case, I was ecstatic. We went up to my room, dropped my bags off, and he went to sleep.... around 5 I had decided "I cannot sleep for the life of me!", so, I called up the security office and had them unlock storage... I completely loaded EVERYTHING into my room from the building I was in last year, and had everything moved into my room by 8 that morning. It was the most wonderful morning of my life. We then went to Chipotle and spent the day together... it was heaven. & little did I know the next several weeks I would have with him.....
That night, Saturday, we left to go to his home in New Jersey. We got in around 1:30 in the morning and I crashed in Caitlin's room (his sister, who I totally love and cracks me up), and we went to his church the next morning. I got to meet all the people that watched my little Phil grow up. It was idyllic. I have one heck of a Jesus-man, I tell you.
So anyways, we lazied around on Sunday and then left for his grandma's beach house on Long Beach Island (about 20 minutes from his house), and spent the afternoon on the beach (after i locked his keys in his jeep and called triple A) ;) - the whole week was this incredible. Every day we went to the beach and just enjoyed each other's presence. We jet-skied, shopped, champagned, and learned how bad at "apples to apples" he is... (and how good I am). I'm just joking. I learned the basic methods of surfing, I got to meet his entire family, get to know his mom and sister a little more, and be in the house that he grew up in. It was epic! Everything a girl could dream of.
One night while on the beach, we had found a lifeguard stand and decided to give it a sit.
We climbed up and chatted about sweet and simple nothings... and ten minutes in to our romantic beach talking, this comically crazy, curly red headed woman walked up to us - while having a conversation with herself in the meantime. She made striking eye contact and asked us, "are you guys lifeguards?"... we answered, "no". And she just begins to mutter about how "young" we were... walks away.
She then turns back around, comes back towards us and asks how old we are, I had a feeling that Phil wasn't going to say a whole lot, so I decided to take this one and said, "20". (which is just ridiculous given that I'm 19 and Phil is 22... I didn't get either of our ages right!)
She flung her hand up in the air and was mocking us for our age, walks away the way she did the previous time and, just like before, turns around again to approach us with another question...... "do you guys drive?", "Yes".
"Do you have cars?",
"Yes".
She then asks my boyfriend IF HE IS SIGNED UP FOR THE DRAFT!
Okay, at this point, I am laughing in my stomach and worried in my head. My thoughts are everywhere, from "that bag shoulder strapped around her body is awfully big... I really hope it's just necessary things in there.... necessary as in, NO GUNS!?"
(Ridiculous - I know. But this lady was creepy! You woulda thought that too... I just know it).
Phil answers, "Yes". She asks, "Do you know what the library of congress is?"
and Phil answers... "Yes", and she begins to mutter again about how impressed she is that we knew what the library of congress was. She was muttering and jabbering, stammering and shoeless. And her bag was just too close to her hand the whole time, leading Phil's mind, as well as mine, to wonder and race.
She then asks us if we drove here, and Phil and I both answer, "No... we walked" as she went on and on about the expense of cars in fluid conversation with herself. She babbled about car insurance again and added her two cents to how we must have well paying jobs to pay for our own car insurance and have our own cars.
As she walked away from us, she had some sort of anger blanket that covered her. I kept watching her as Phil was looking ahead, and she was livid. She was still muttering about money and our age and how we were in a lifeguard stand and how she graduated with my mom??? I don't even know... it was so obscure. This story just makes me laugh and makes me so very curious as to either what she was trippin' on, or if she accidentally busted loose from an insane asylum. It was so random and so odd, I have never had an encounter like that in my life... and I am very glad it happened with Phil. : )
Our week together was unforgettable... we had a fantastic time, and I am so grateful for that week.
It's off to finish my paper and hit the books!!
Don't be a stranger.
No comments:
Post a Comment